miscarriage

Angel Babies (& why we keep trusting)

IMG_0601I never thought I would know someone like me. Actually, I don’t know anyone that has a story like mine so it is a lonely place to be sometimes. I have always had a love  for children, especially my own. That love has just grown exponentially over the years and I have often wondered if there was ever going to be a limit to that love, when I would decide that I just didn’t want another. I actually felt the reverse, I just wanted MORE, and now I find myself wondering when or if I will ever stop wanting another.

Funny, I know that of course my body is going to reach a stage probably anytime soon, when it will no longer bear  life and it just makes me so sad. Don’t get me wrong, pregnancy was very hard for me, especially around the last 5 pregnancies when I had to inject myself in the stomach with a needle everyday and battle nausea, and battle the worry that tried to consume me daily that another baby just wouldn’t stick. I had insomnia, leg cramps, anemia, and exhaustion. I couldn’t say I was in love with pregnancy, I could only say that I felt privileged to be included in the procreation process and that I would fall deeply in love with the life that was being created in me as soon as I knew it was there. For some reason I would always know really early too, before my cycle was even due, and I would share my sneaking feeling with my hubby and feel joy stirring in my being.

At one point I definitely thought I just couldn’t go on and lose another baby. I had a handful of little children, 5 living children in 5.5 years with a miscarriage between them and then 4 miscarriages close to the 3 month mark all in a row. I detested the morning sickness, and watched a couple of years go by feeling fat and really sad. I didn’t know one person that persevered after 4 miscarriages in a row(cuz people would tell me their stories) and I was wondering if it was worth going forward. I prayed all the time and asked my husband to pray for me every day. Women would watch my belly pop ,see the glow,and ask me awkwardly if I was pregnant. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was expecting because I would hear that excited little “eek” and I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to be alone in my thoughts and not have to re-tell Everyone the devastating news that I had lost another baby again however many weeks later.

There were times where I would hear that little whisper in my soul, do you trust me? After 4 miscarriages in a row  it was just a couple of months later when I said yes Lord I am willing. I contacted my obstetrician and asked his opinion. He lined up a few tests and before I could make it to any more than the first preliminary blood test I found out I was expecting again. I found out before my cycle was due because I felt that familiar “I am pregnant feeling”,and I was cramping which was a bad sign for me.

It was a Monday morning and I drove to the doctors office without having an appointment and stood in the hallway praying for somebody to open the door to his office.  My doctor was the first want to show up and told me that as soon as his office opened at 9 AM he would see me first. He was such a blessing.  I went on blood thinners that same day which consisted of injecting myself in the stomach every morning with a needle. 9 months later I went home with a healthy baby boy. He was my third rainbow baby and I was in love.  I didn’t realize how scarred I was at that point until I was leaving the hospital and I stood watching my husband plug his car seat into the car. When I heard the audible click of him setting his car seat in place, I broke down crying.

That baby is why I continued to trust, because I don’t understand God’s ways or even why He allows miscarriage at all. I do know that if I listened to my relatives, my friends and my then Pastor, I wouldn’t have the last two children that I had. Sometimes I would wait a couple of months ,to give myself and my body a break, but I would start to feel that familiar tug in my heart and I knew that I would have to use trust to be willing to go forward again.

I now have seven children, 4 of them are rainbow babies, and 10 are angel babies, and my last miscarriage was just last fall. That pregnancy was hurtful and long. I miscarried at 13 weeks and hemorrhaged, and ended in the hospital needing surgery.

It took me a while but I am finally in a place of trust again, although it is scary sometimes, and I am still hoping for one more child at least. I cry when I see newborns and feel a little kind of punch in the gut when someone tells me they are expecting. I guess I just thought because I wanted 10 children, then that’s what I would get but I have learned to trust in my God for He is the one that gives and the one that takes away. This may sound odd to some but I do take consolation in the fact that I have seen those heartbeats 💗 and I know that those very real living souls have gone ahead to be with my father in heaven.

 

 

 

large family, lifestyle, miscarriage, Motherhood

Due Dates

Due Dates come and go around here all the time, yet they mostly go by unnoticed by everyone except myself, my sweet hubby, and maybe a dear friend that I mention it to. I hurt.

I hurt because of my child gone, a dream interrupted, a vision altered by yet another miscarriage. 9 miscarriages have left me scarred a little. 8 in the last 8 years alone. It’s mostly a silent, lonely place to be as I have tried to let people in but few understand especially because I have children. I shouldn’t hurt because I am blessed. I get it, I am blessed. 7 kids total, 6 in 10 years given as gifts to me from the Lord above. Did it happen to you at this very second? Did you lose your empathy for me as most do? Well I’m here for the hurting souls that don’t have anyone that gets it.

Two years ago and a few miscarriages ago my husband and I had just found out that I was carrying another dead baby but my body had not figured it out yet. My womb was not letting go of the pregnancy and so I walked around dreadfully anticipating when my body would purge everything it has been growing  for almost 3 months.  We decided to take our children to a peaceful place on the water and walk around on the paths surrounding the lake and just enjoy some peace. However, a couple approached us with a young girl  and started to chat  with us about the size of our family. (Really Lord? Am I strong enough?) They spoke about their loss of 4 babies in a row since they’re only child was born. They had given up  hope and were so upset over their losses they didn’t know what to do. It was such a painful moment for me holding my belly and telling them that there could still be hope.  My four-year-old is a rainbow baby so is my seven-year-old and my two-year-old . My four year old was  a gift to me after four miscarriages in a row. I had just about lost hope too but not enough to not try again and then there he was.  I didn’t realize how scarred  I was at the time , until we walked out of the hospital with him snuggled in  his car seat, and at the very moment that I heard his seat click into the holder my soul jolted to attention  and I started to cry because I realized it was all real and he was going  home with me.

I get it friend , you losses and mine are soooo REAL. Those babies were real, and it just sucks that most of us have nothing more than a date on our calendar or in our journals to remind us that they were alive once within us.  Some ladies wear special necklaces with charms symbolizing their babies, some people named their babies. My dream is to one day have a piece of jewellery with a stone for each baby I carried. Each stone symbolizing the love my husband and I share for each other and for each soul that has gone on to be with the Lord until we get there.

Let only select people in. The ones who understand your heart and your loss. I believe that I’ve been given a gift from the losses. The gift of being able to cry and mourn with a stranger in a Walmart who has also lost. The gift of empathy. The gift of being able to say I understand. image

 

adoption, large family, miscarriage, Uncategorized

The Adoption Call

IMG_8536 (3)Its been many years since we felt the call to adopt and finished our training so you may wonder why we don’t have any adopted children yet? Well that’s a complex question for me to answer in a way, because I don’t want really think that everyone may understand MY convictions in this very personal matter in my life.

Before I felt the call to adopt I felt the call to trust the Lord with my family size. Doesn’t that sound a little backwards in our society today? Yes, trust someone other than myself or my husband, our doctor, O.B, our moms, the stranger in the checkout line or even some dear friends and a local Pastor. You see lots of people had Something to say about this decision even though they weren’t us and had never walked a day in our shoes.

Why would we want to have MORE? ugh….

Well the truth is that I flat out believed what  the Bible said about children being a blessing. That’s a plural there folks. CHILDREN. So my sweet hubby (also trusting) and I embarked on a journey of blessing and sorrow that most people cannot fathom. In the course of 11 years we were expecting 16 times, ended up with 6 children under 9 and 10 teeny babies in Heaven. There are days where I imagine what my house looks like in Heaven and I pray that those babies are in there waiting for my arrival party.

The worst of it all was that as I was jeered at, snarled at, told I didn’t have to do this, and endured the question “don’t ya know what causes that S*#!?” ,  I silently suffered behind closed doors and grieved like a Momma that’s lost 11 babies (total) to miscarriage. While I was being told I was crazy for whatever baby I was carrying at the time, I  was also trying not to think about all the others  I also carried and loved and made name lists for. Sometimes along the way there would be a gap between babies born, sometimes even a few years,and people who knew my convictions would come over with a little gloaty look on their face, chat me up with small talk and a little catch up on my kids ages and then the question ” Are you going to have any more?”

Do you know hard it is to swallow a question like that and respond with grace when you know they are expecting you to say you went for a snip rather than you are willing to look like a fool for Jesus and go for broke?

It was very hard.

It was also  hard to face the question why not just adopt? Quit what you are doing and just adopt?

Like adoption is supposed to be E-Z!!!

We wanted to fulfill our first conviction and see how many more times we could open up our hearts and trust God even through the losses that there might be one more here on earth before we could move on to build our family further through adoption. So here we are.

We have had many miscarriages over the last 2 years and I am now closer to 50 than 40 and we have decided its time to trust the Lord again, but this time in adoption. We are praying and talking and researching and hoping that there are a couple of little siblings out there that are meant for the Morrison tribe so we can sleep at night knowing that we have fulfilled another calling and have filled up a little more space in our hearts that we know is there for them.

There aren’t a lot of options for a large family like ours but we are going to choose one and pray and hope that God will fulfill this desire that we have to  make a difference in the children that he chooses for us. There have already been many questions . Why more? Isn’t your family so full already? Why international adoption? Well The bible says that He places the lonely in families and I know that this is also true because look where I am.

adoption, large family, miscarriage

7-Eleven (Not What You Think)

Every once in a while I get the comment that being a Momma to 7 must be hard. This always causes me to  feel a little unsure of what to say because there is something that comes a little undone in me and makes me feel like bawling and crying out in reply “Don’t you know that I want more?” (just like I do with God all the time in my prayers)

I have always loved children. Even when I wasn’t a Christian at 18 years old and found out that I was 4 months pregnant (while on birth control). I was in complete awe of the gift of life growing inside me. Fast forward:

I intentionally am expecting another baby a  few months later and I give birth to a beautiful son at 19. Then as divorce takes hold of my marriage and I become a single working mom I squelch the desire for Mommyhood as I am absolutely never going to do that again unless its with a husband that is going to be mine forever.

About a decade and a half will go by and my husband to be and Jesus will enter my life and I become a new person. As I read the bible on the couch one day I question my hubby. If the bible says ” children are a Blessing…..a reward…..like arrows in the hands of a warrior” then why are we avoiding having them? 

You see my soul was searching and I had to make a decision.

Was the word of God true?

So as we talked it out and we decided to just go ahead and not use any birth control of any sort and see what happened and guess what? We experienced JOY and BLESSING over and over and our love just expanded and took over,  yet in time we also experienced pain and confusion and near despair. You see I was a willing and eager vessel but I wasn’t going to get what I wanted. I was going to have a second miscarriage and be utterly floored that this could happen to me after having 3 more children in 3 years. The Lord was going to let my boat get rocked and see if I was still willing.  After my 5th child was born I had 4 more miscarriages in a row. All near the 3 month mark. I would be so excited every time that another baby was growing inside and then without warning the bleeding would start and the sorrow would set in and the life would slip away. Many people mean well but just don’t understand what that feels like unless they have been there. The only comfort I had was given by  2 women who confronted me at church with tears in their eyes and their own stories of loss and their decisions to stop trying after 4 m/c or lose their ever-loving minds. I could relate so well to these women but didn’t know any one else who would press on , and so I walked through my grief feeling ultimately lonely and turning to God every time with the question “Why?”

I don’t know why God allows it but He does. Some will say that there was something wrong with the baby’s chromasones but that’s not necessarily true as I had one baby tested in my search for answers. The pain and the grief was raw and real and every time I was faced with the decision to trust again…to have HOPE…to be willing. Did I want to put myself throught this again? I can write about this for a very long time but I won’t . I will try and shorten things up a little.

I just turned 47 and at this point I  have 7 wonderful children on earth and 11 who have gone straight home to Jesus. My last miscariage was this summer and ended with extreme blood loss ,an ambulance ride ,and an operation something like a D&C. We have since decided that the calling we felt several years ago when we did our adoption training is a priority for us and that we need to pursue it. I feel very blessed that in my mid 30’s I was re-married and able to have a second chance at becoming a Momma to 6 more children ( and way into my 40’s for that matter!!) So here we are once again trusting God and having HOPE that we may continue to expand our family through adoption. Some may say we are to old but not true!! Had I not miscarried my baby would be due in April and I have heard many stories of Families receiving their  blessings even later into life than our present ages. Will you please pray for us as we once again head down a journey of unknowns?

Photo by JeepersMedia on Foter.com / CC BY