miscarriage

Angel Babies (& why we keep trusting)

IMG_0601I never thought I would know someone like me. Actually, I don’t know anyone that has a story like mine so it is a lonely place to be sometimes. I have always had a love  for children, especially my own. That love has just grown exponentially over the years and I have often wondered if there was ever going to be a limit to that love, when I would decide that I just didn’t want another. I actually felt the reverse, I just wanted MORE, and now I find myself wondering when or if I will ever stop wanting another.

Funny, I know that of course my body is going to reach a stage probably anytime soon, when it will no longer bear  life and it just makes me so sad. Don’t get me wrong, pregnancy was very hard for me, especially around the last 5 pregnancies when I had to inject myself in the stomach with a needle everyday and battle nausea, and battle the worry that tried to consume me daily that another baby just wouldn’t stick. I had insomnia, leg cramps, anemia, and exhaustion. I couldn’t say I was in love with pregnancy, I could only say that I felt privileged to be included in the procreation process and that I would fall deeply in love with the life that was being created in me as soon as I knew it was there. For some reason I would always know really early too, before my cycle was even due, and I would share my sneaking feeling with my hubby and feel joy stirring in my being.

At one point I definitely thought I just couldn’t go on and lose another baby. I had a handful of little children, 5 living children in 5.5 years with a miscarriage between them and then 4 miscarriages close to the 3 month mark all in a row. I detested the morning sickness, and watched a couple of years go by feeling fat and really sad. I didn’t know one person that persevered after 4 miscarriages in a row(cuz people would tell me their stories) and I was wondering if it was worth going forward. I prayed all the time and asked my husband to pray for me every day. Women would watch my belly pop ,see the glow,and ask me awkwardly if I was pregnant. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was expecting because I would hear that excited little “eek” and I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to be alone in my thoughts and not have to re-tell Everyone the devastating news that I had lost another baby again however many weeks later.

There were times where I would hear that little whisper in my soul, do you trust me? After 4 miscarriages in a row  it was just a couple of months later when I said yes Lord I am willing. I contacted my obstetrician and asked his opinion. He lined up a few tests and before I could make it to any more than the first preliminary blood test I found out I was expecting again. I found out before my cycle was due because I felt that familiar “I am pregnant feeling”,and I was cramping which was a bad sign for me.

It was a Monday morning and I drove to the doctors office without having an appointment and stood in the hallway praying for somebody to open the door to his office.  My doctor was the first want to show up and told me that as soon as his office opened at 9 AM he would see me first. He was such a blessing.  I went on blood thinners that same day which consisted of injecting myself in the stomach every morning with a needle. 9 months later I went home with a healthy baby boy. He was my third rainbow baby and I was in love.  I didn’t realize how scarred I was at that point until I was leaving the hospital and I stood watching my husband plug his car seat into the car. When I heard the audible click of him setting his car seat in place, I broke down crying.

That baby is why I continued to trust, because I don’t understand God’s ways or even why He allows miscarriage at all. I do know that if I listened to my relatives, my friends and my then Pastor, I wouldn’t have the last two children that I had. Sometimes I would wait a couple of months ,to give myself and my body a break, but I would start to feel that familiar tug in my heart and I knew that I would have to use trust to be willing to go forward again.

I now have seven children, 4 of them are rainbow babies, and 10 are angel babies, and my last miscarriage was just last fall. That pregnancy was hurtful and long. I miscarried at 13 weeks and hemorrhaged, and ended in the hospital needing surgery.

It took me a while but I am finally in a place of trust again, although it is scary sometimes, and I am still hoping for one more child at least. I cry when I see newborns and feel a little kind of punch in the gut when someone tells me they are expecting. I guess I just thought because I wanted 10 children, then that’s what I would get but I have learned to trust in my God for He is the one that gives and the one that takes away. This may sound odd to some but I do take consolation in the fact that I have seen those heartbeats 💗 and I know that those very real living souls have gone ahead to be with my father in heaven.

 

 

 

homeschooling, large family, lifestyle, Motherhood

Motherhood ( Breathe )

imageI love the motherly closeness depicted in this piece of art that I bought from my friend over at rugged infinity (posted with permission). I think she did a really great job showing exactly how a momma feels as she draws a young one close. Even as they grow large and don’t exactly fit under our chins like they once used to we still hold them as close as possible, even just in our minds sometimes. So why do we feel like they are driving us crazy sometimes? Well because we are normal and because they can be so frustrating sometimes. Can you say potty training? Can you say baking powder instead of flour in the cake batter;and smashing a Pyrex dish 2 minutes later? Can you say toddler siblings trying to beat each other up over a dinky car? The list is endless really. No matter how many children you have there are moments where you want to hide in the bathroom and call your bestie while you sneak chocolate into your system. Listen, motherhood is a tough gig and it’s important to remember that no Mom is perfect. So cut yourself a break.

I made a vow to myself about a dozen years ago. That vow was to do my best every day and go to bed happy, knowing that I had accomplished my goal. I still repeat this vow to myself all the time. I know that I have signed up for a huge task with homeschooling and MommyHood, and being a helpmeet but I just do my best every day. I make sure that everyone in my family, hubby included, has had one on one time with me, and that I have taken the time to slow down and stop and stare into each persons eyes. I make sure that I have had a conversation with each one because I know that they are growing before my eyes.

When things start to feel tense and overwhelming I try to take a deep breath before responding, so that I am not responding in anger. I could almost repost this and add more information about homeschooling with boys, which I may do one day soon. Boys can make things quite tense, my boys anyway. I have met the odd Mom that says she has an angel boy or two but I find that mine are very high energy and so they just have different needs than my girls who are quite easy to manage.

I want to encourage all you large (and small) family Moms (especially you homeschooling Mommas) to just slow down, even put the school books aside and work on relationships and Training instead of going so hard at the curriculum all the time. Take a hike in the woods, play a board game, do art all day, teach them a new craft, snuggle them close and do a read aloud together, tell them you love them often, and remember to breathe.

 

 

homeschooling, large family, Motherhood

Break From My White Straitjacket

img_0208-e1516065291649.jpgI meet the end of fall dreading winter and snow and endless grey days shut in with nowhere to go and a pile of kids with energy to burn. I don’t know when exactly it got really bad but it did and every winter I  start thinking about how I can escape and feel alive again. I want to feel like I’m going to make it to spring where there will  be  beautiful pops of color and warm sunshine and beach days, park picnics with friends.

Every inch of snow seems to tighten the strait jacket in my mind and it feels like weeks are endless with toddlers and myself shut inside because of freezing temperatures. Getting outside requires tremendous effort but is totally worth it if I can get outside for more than five minutes before little people scream that they’re cold and want to go back in.

I fight the urge to sell my home and run away in an RV with my kids and just live on the road. I also pray🙏 like crazy. I also take vitamin D daily thanks to my dear friend Tami from Kentucky.

God is such a good father too because he knows I need to be released and have a time of refreshment.  I am so grateful to have escaped my jacket and be blogging from Orlando!!! We enjoy long sun-drenched pool days once our schooling is complete for the day. We play and laugh and walk and swim and workout in the gym and feel so connected and amazing that going back to a home covered in snow is very hard.

For a few blessed weeks our lives are tapped into a state of living that all Floridians experience as normal. I have to admit that every time the fall season rolls around I feel completely abnormal that I will soon be living in a snow filled land that I could not survive in without the mod cons of today.

So we run. Actually,  we pack our van huge and renew passports and we drive a loooooong time for several days until we are finally in the sunshine state. We bring our school books, our sandals, and our wonder and we enjoy each other ,Gods creation and our freedom. We enjoy the American flags, the pretty palm trees, the outdoor basketball court and fire pit at a new-to-us hotel in Columbia and the friendly generous souls we have encountered here. We enjoy the pools and the beaches and the large condo with laundry machines in the garage so I can spend time sorting stinky socks in fresh air and ☀️ , and the fun food and drink chains that we don’t have in 🇨🇦.Its all such a soothing balm to my soul . Praise the Lord 🙌🏽