miscarriage

Angel Babies (& why we keep trusting)

IMG_0601I never thought I would know someone like me. Actually, I don’t know anyone that has a story like mine so it is a lonely place to be sometimes. I have always had a love  for children, especially my own. That love has just grown exponentially over the years and I have often wondered if there was ever going to be a limit to that love, when I would decide that I just didn’t want another. I actually felt the reverse, I just wanted MORE, and now I find myself wondering when or if I will ever stop wanting another.

Funny, I know that of course my body is going to reach a stage probably anytime soon, when it will no longer bear  life and it just makes me so sad. Don’t get me wrong, pregnancy was very hard for me, especially around the last 5 pregnancies when I had to inject myself in the stomach with a needle everyday and battle nausea, and battle the worry that tried to consume me daily that another baby just wouldn’t stick. I had insomnia, leg cramps, anemia, and exhaustion. I couldn’t say I was in love with pregnancy, I could only say that I felt privileged to be included in the procreation process and that I would fall deeply in love with the life that was being created in me as soon as I knew it was there. For some reason I would always know really early too, before my cycle was even due, and I would share my sneaking feeling with my hubby and feel joy stirring in my being.

At one point I definitely thought I just couldn’t go on and lose another baby. I had a handful of little children, 5 living children in 5.5 years with a miscarriage between them and then 4 miscarriages close to the 3 month mark all in a row. I detested the morning sickness, and watched a couple of years go by feeling fat and really sad. I didn’t know one person that persevered after 4 miscarriages in a row(cuz people would tell me their stories) and I was wondering if it was worth going forward. I prayed all the time and asked my husband to pray for me every day. Women would watch my belly pop ,see the glow,and ask me awkwardly if I was pregnant. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was expecting because I would hear that excited little “eek” and I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to be alone in my thoughts and not have to re-tell Everyone the devastating news that I had lost another baby again however many weeks later.

There were times where I would hear that little whisper in my soul, do you trust me? After 4 miscarriages in a row  it was just a couple of months later when I said yes Lord I am willing. I contacted my obstetrician and asked his opinion. He lined up a few tests and before I could make it to any more than the first preliminary blood test I found out I was expecting again. I found out before my cycle was due because I felt that familiar “I am pregnant feeling”,and I was cramping which was a bad sign for me.

It was a Monday morning and I drove to the doctors office without having an appointment and stood in the hallway praying for somebody to open the door to his office.  My doctor was the first want to show up and told me that as soon as his office opened at 9 AM he would see me first. He was such a blessing.  I went on blood thinners that same day which consisted of injecting myself in the stomach every morning with a needle. 9 months later I went home with a healthy baby boy. He was my third rainbow baby and I was in love.  I didn’t realize how scarred I was at that point until I was leaving the hospital and I stood watching my husband plug his car seat into the car. When I heard the audible click of him setting his car seat in place, I broke down crying.

That baby is why I continued to trust, because I don’t understand God’s ways or even why He allows miscarriage at all. I do know that if I listened to my relatives, my friends and my then Pastor, I wouldn’t have the last two children that I had. Sometimes I would wait a couple of months ,to give myself and my body a break, but I would start to feel that familiar tug in my heart and I knew that I would have to use trust to be willing to go forward again.

I now have seven children, 4 of them are rainbow babies, and 10 are angel babies, and my last miscarriage was just last fall. That pregnancy was hurtful and long. I miscarried at 13 weeks and hemorrhaged, and ended in the hospital needing surgery.

It took me a while but I am finally in a place of trust again, although it is scary sometimes, and I am still hoping for one more child at least. I cry when I see newborns and feel a little kind of punch in the gut when someone tells me they are expecting. I guess I just thought because I wanted 10 children, then that’s what I would get but I have learned to trust in my God for He is the one that gives and the one that takes away. This may sound odd to some but I do take consolation in the fact that I have seen those heartbeats 💗 and I know that those very real living souls have gone ahead to be with my father in heaven.

 

 

 

homeschooling, large family, lifestyle, Motherhood

Motherhood ( Breathe )

imageI love the motherly closeness depicted in this piece of art that I bought from my friend over at rugged infinity (posted with permission). I think she did a really great job showing exactly how a momma feels as she draws a young one close. Even as they grow large and don’t exactly fit under our chins like they once used to we still hold them as close as possible, even just in our minds sometimes. So why do we feel like they are driving us crazy sometimes? Well because we are normal and because they can be so frustrating sometimes. Can you say potty training? Can you say baking powder instead of flour in the cake batter;and smashing a Pyrex dish 2 minutes later? Can you say toddler siblings trying to beat each other up over a dinky car? The list is endless really. No matter how many children you have there are moments where you want to hide in the bathroom and call your bestie while you sneak chocolate into your system. Listen, motherhood is a tough gig and it’s important to remember that no Mom is perfect. So cut yourself a break.

I made a vow to myself about a dozen years ago. That vow was to do my best every day and go to bed happy, knowing that I had accomplished my goal. I still repeat this vow to myself all the time. I know that I have signed up for a huge task with homeschooling and MommyHood, and being a helpmeet but I just do my best every day. I make sure that everyone in my family, hubby included, has had one on one time with me, and that I have taken the time to slow down and stop and stare into each persons eyes. I make sure that I have had a conversation with each one because I know that they are growing before my eyes.

When things start to feel tense and overwhelming I try to take a deep breath before responding, so that I am not responding in anger. I could almost repost this and add more information about homeschooling with boys, which I may do one day soon. Boys can make things quite tense, my boys anyway. I have met the odd Mom that says she has an angel boy or two but I find that mine are very high energy and so they just have different needs than my girls who are quite easy to manage.

I want to encourage all you large (and small) family Moms (especially you homeschooling Mommas) to just slow down, even put the school books aside and work on relationships and Training instead of going so hard at the curriculum all the time. Take a hike in the woods, play a board game, do art all day, teach them a new craft, snuggle them close and do a read aloud together, tell them you love them often, and remember to breathe.

 

 

large family, Large Family Logistics

Live Streaming Church

A406BF77-33A1-4D8B-B4FE-9ECEDEE8F776Hey friends! Here we are live streaming church from 🇨🇦.  What a blessing to be able to follow whats going on back home and feel like we haven’t missed out on anything. We  usually do home church if we are going to miss church service. Sometimes it’s a lot of work gather our own work and pick out a message to teach the kids.  Best thing about home church is that we get to face each other as we are sitting on our comfy couches, and pick our own songs so that Daddy can play them on the guitar.  We have building blocks close by to entertain the youngest while they’re sitting and learning how to be quiet. Church is a process no matter where we are. We believe in a family integrated style of church so that our children are worshipping with us and listening to the same message as we are. We have been doing Church this way for a long time so our four oldest at home right now (12,10,9,7) could probably run church without us. Our four-year-old still has lots of wiggles but can usually make it to the end with a bathroom break and some snuggles. Our 2 year old is a pretty calm child and can usually match the four-year-old and maybe even sit longer because he is still in diapers.

Usually when we go to our church in town someone will come up to us at the end of service and tell us how amazed they are at how well our children sit and listen.  When they tell us that their kids could never do that I always tell them that I believe they can. Most kids these days are not homeschooled like ours are and are already  taught to sit quietly in school so why not sit in a church service that is only an hour long?

Really, it comes down to some training and a little patience. To try this on your own, Start out with a few minutes, expect no more, but go longer if your child is quiet. Smile at them and use hush tones to correct them when they get antsy. Be prepared to remove them swiftly if they can’t be quiet so as not to disrupt church for the others. Keep trying every week and try to go a little longer.  Sometimes an incentive works but I would leave it as an incentive and not an expectation. I sometimes offer chewing gum to the kids if they have done well after church. I don’t bribe them before hand, I just offer it and say this is for a job 👍 well done. Try it and see all the sweet memories you will have of your family worshipping together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

large family, Large Family Logistics

The Love Of A Father

IMG_0253IMG_0270There is something so sweet and special about a genuine love from the Father. I can see it in my children’s faces  when they get a warm scruffy kiss from daddy or tossed into the pool for fun or told that something they just attempted was really dumb.  Yes, our children can attempt dumb things sometimes, like throwing baseballs towards glass windows because their sisters are standing on balconies trying to catch their pitches.

I remember once when we  were staying at a condo in Montreal one of my four children under four years old decided to fix the sound of that the toilet was making. They lifted up the lid of the tank and dropped it on the floor and it broke.

We went to a local hardware store and could not find a tank lid to match the toilet so we had to buy a whole new toilet and install it. It’s a good thing that daddy is handy. (Reminds me of hilarious saying he always tells our boys : it goes like this ”  if they don’t find you handsome they better find you handy “) Our kids have put us in lots of awkward situations but whenever daddy is around he handles it in stride with an even temper and maintaining a loving way of correction with them.  He is so good at not yelling and being able to correct them with seriousness yet loving kindness. They respect him and adore him.

I have also seen the effects of a divorced mostly non existent Dad in my own life. I did not respect my Dad and really struggled with loving him. I was not guided the way my children are here in front of my eyes.  Without knowing it I searched for that love and tried to fill that void. I thought men were stupid,  replaceable  and temporary.  The problem was that  without knowing the love of a father I was self destructing. Well I found that love from God and I know that the main reason my hubby is a GREAT Dad is that he knows the Father too. Through his word we know the heart of Jesus and the love ❤️ He has for us and we learn how to love others. We aren’t perfect, that’s normal, but we try.

If your story is similar to mine, please reach out to someone who knows Jesus and talk to them about the love they have found so they can share it with you. You are loved by a Father in heaven ,greater than any father on earth whether you know it or not. You have nothing to lose🤷🏻‍♀️

 

large family, Large Family Logistics, Motherhood

Do you have kids?Lose Yourself.

IMG_8526 (2)Lets get REAL.

Over the course of the Holidays I found myself in stores more than usual, which is pretty understandable. While buying gifts for my kids and husband, certain topics seemed to arise between myself and whoever the sales clerk happened  to be that day. They would often ask leading questions to see if they could better understand my needs as  a buyer such as “who is this for ….and how old are they, etc. I was asked if I had children and how many etc. So I asked the question back. The sales clerk looked me in the eye and said” no, I never want kids.”  I asked her if she didn’t want them because she didn’t like kids. She said “My reason is bigger than that. I feel like I would lose myself” She seemed pretty proud of herself in the way she responded . In a way she is right , you do lose yourself some what.

I spoke the truth that day. I’m not always so bold but  I replied ” yes, you will lose yourself but you will find a new self”. She was shocked and said nothing further so neither did I.

I am not my old self , I am a person called Mama who loves with a mama bear love I never knew before I had a child. I put my little tribe before myself and their needs before mine continuously. I care deeply that they feel loved and secure and that they  have all their needs met by a Mama and Daddy that love them sacrificially. I am a better person than I was because I learned what it takes to be a Mom, and what it takes to have to stay up all night with sick kids, how to be by their side as they learn how to read, how to plead with God as they have an emergency operation, how to comfort a teen that’s really down on himself, teach them about the Jesus and countless other things. Lose yourself dear Mother and be glad that you are not lost but changed into somethIng beautiful.