miscarriage, Motherhood

Not a Baby Anymore

6F04FAD8-7880-446D-8320-DE332BC68DD5.jpegThe day right before this photo was taken, he said “those words”.

He has been my best communicator from a young age. I’ve never had a child that could communicate like this boy. He often baffles his Dad when they are speaking on the phone because he can carry a conversation so well.

Everyone call him “Baby”. That’s what he is. Of course he has a name, but he is the youngest of 7 and we love having babies and he has been our for almost 3 years. He is a sweet one who loves to be snuggled and played with. I like when I put him in my lap on the alligator swing and he will sit there cuddled into me indefinitely it seems. He becomes so relaxed like he’s about to drift into a sleep. I’m always the one to quit first. Every morning he climbs into bed snuggles in next to me for some cuddle time. It’s the best.

I am in a weird place now. I love being a mom, having baby after baby and hanging out with lots of friends with babies. Things are changing now though. After 11 miscarriages,one just about 10 months ago, I feel like my fertility years have just vanished. I yearn for another big belly and  that feeling of anticipation where you dream and imagine what life will look like with a new soul in your space.

My oldest just turned 28 and is not havin’ me a grand baby any time soon, so I drool over other babies and wonder why it is so.

Why 18 pregnancies to only have 7 children. Why all the closed doors concerning adoption? Why do people who don’t want kids able to get pregnant so easily just to have them torn from their womb?. It’s all a mystery really.

For the moment, I am enjoying diapers for a little while longer, snuggles, naps on my chest while I knit. Lots of little clothes, baby words,and even their naughty moments, which can be so hilarious sometimes.

In case you are wondering, I did inform him he will always be my baby, just like I inform all my other children. That’s what I told my 11 year old boy as I hugged him goodbye this morning, off for a day with Daddy working by his side.

Find the joy in it all fellow momma, and use your 3 decades of fertility wisely. Learn from me that it all passes to soon and then it’s just gone. Forever.

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