I never thought I would know someone like me. Actually, I don’t know anyone that has a story like mine so it is a lonely place to be sometimes. I have always had a love for children, especially my own. That love has just grown exponentially over the years and I have often wondered if there was ever going to be a limit to that love, when I would decide that I just didn’t want another. I actually felt the reverse, I just wanted MORE, and now I find myself wondering when or if I will ever stop wanting another.
Funny, I know that of course my body is going to reach a stage probably anytime soon, when it will no longer bear life and it just makes me so sad. Don’t get me wrong, pregnancy was very hard for me, especially around the last 5 pregnancies when I had to inject myself in the stomach with a needle everyday and battle nausea, and battle the worry that tried to consume me daily that another baby just wouldn’t stick. I had insomnia, leg cramps, anemia, and exhaustion. I couldn’t say I was in love with pregnancy, I could only say that I felt privileged to be included in the procreation process and that I would fall deeply in love with the life that was being created in me as soon as I knew it was there. For some reason I would always know really early too, before my cycle was even due, and I would share my sneaking feeling with my hubby and feel joy stirring in my being.
At one point I definitely thought I just couldn’t go on and lose another baby. I had a handful of little children, 5 living children in 5.5 years with a miscarriage between them and then 4 miscarriages close to the 3 month mark all in a row. I detested the morning sickness, and watched a couple of years go by feeling fat and really sad. I didn’t know one person that persevered after 4 miscarriages in a row(cuz people would tell me their stories) and I was wondering if it was worth going forward. I prayed all the time and asked my husband to pray for me every day. Women would watch my belly pop ,see the glow,and ask me awkwardly if I was pregnant. I didn’t want to tell anyone that I was expecting because I would hear that excited little “eek” and I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to be alone in my thoughts and not have to re-tell Everyone the devastating news that I had lost another baby again however many weeks later.
There were times where I would hear that little whisper in my soul, do you trust me? After 4 miscarriages in a row it was just a couple of months later when I said yes Lord I am willing. I contacted my obstetrician and asked his opinion. He lined up a few tests and before I could make it to any more than the first preliminary blood test I found out I was expecting again. I found out before my cycle was due because I felt that familiar “I am pregnant feeling”,and I was cramping which was a bad sign for me.
It was a Monday morning and I drove to the doctors office without having an appointment and stood in the hallway praying for somebody to open the door to his office. My doctor was the first want to show up and told me that as soon as his office opened at 9 AM he would see me first. He was such a blessing. I went on blood thinners that same day which consisted of injecting myself in the stomach every morning with a needle. 9 months later I went home with a healthy baby boy. He was my third rainbow baby and I was in love. I didn’t realize how scarred I was at that point until I was leaving the hospital and I stood watching my husband plug his car seat into the car. When I heard the audible click of him setting his car seat in place, I broke down crying.
That baby is why I continued to trust, because I don’t understand God’s ways or even why He allows miscarriage at all. I do know that if I listened to my relatives, my friends and my then Pastor, I wouldn’t have the last two children that I had. Sometimes I would wait a couple of months ,to give myself and my body a break, but I would start to feel that familiar tug in my heart and I knew that I would have to use trust to be willing to go forward again.
I now have seven children, 4 of them are rainbow babies, and 10 are angel babies, and my last miscarriage was just last fall. That pregnancy was hurtful and long. I miscarried at 13 weeks and hemorrhaged, and ended in the hospital needing surgery.
It took me a while but I am finally in a place of trust again, although it is scary sometimes, and I am still hoping for one more child at least. I cry when I see newborns and feel a little kind of punch in the gut when someone tells me they are expecting. I guess I just thought because I wanted 10 children, then that’s what I would get but I have learned to trust in my God for He is the one that gives and the one that takes away. This may sound odd to some but I do take consolation in the fact that I have seen those heartbeats 💗 and I know that those very real living souls have gone ahead to be with my father in heaven.