Every once in a while I get the comment that being a Momma to 7 must be hard. This always causes me to feel a little unsure of what to say because there is something that comes a little undone in me and makes me feel like bawling and crying out in reply “Don’t you know that I want more?” (just like I do with God all the time in my prayers)
I have always loved children. Even when I wasn’t a Christian at 18 years old and found out that I was 4 months pregnant (while on birth control). I was in complete awe of the gift of life growing inside me. Fast forward:
I intentionally am expecting another baby a few months later and I give birth to a beautiful son at 19. Then as divorce takes hold of my marriage and I become a single working mom I squelch the desire for Mommyhood as I am absolutely never going to do that again unless its with a husband that is going to be mine forever.
About a decade and a half will go by and my husband to be and Jesus will enter my life and I become a new person. As I read the bible on the couch one day I question my hubby. If the bible says ” children are a Blessing…..a reward…..like arrows in the hands of a warrior” then why are we avoiding having them?
You see my soul was searching and I had to make a decision.
Was the word of God true?
So as we talked it out and we decided to just go ahead and not use any birth control of any sort and see what happened and guess what? We experienced JOY and BLESSING over and over and our love just expanded and took over, yet in time we also experienced pain and confusion and near despair. You see I was a willing and eager vessel but I wasn’t going to get what I wanted. I was going to have a second miscarriage and be utterly floored that this could happen to me after having 3 more children in 3 years. The Lord was going to let my boat get rocked and see if I was still willing. After my 5th child was born I had 4 more miscarriages in a row. All near the 3 month mark. I would be so excited every time that another baby was growing inside and then without warning the bleeding would start and the sorrow would set in and the life would slip away. Many people mean well but just don’t understand what that feels like unless they have been there. The only comfort I had was given by 2 women who confronted me at church with tears in their eyes and their own stories of loss and their decisions to stop trying after 4 m/c or lose their ever-loving minds. I could relate so well to these women but didn’t know any one else who would press on , and so I walked through my grief feeling ultimately lonely and turning to God every time with the question “Why?”
I don’t know why God allows it but He does. Some will say that there was something wrong with the baby’s chromasones but that’s not necessarily true as I had one baby tested in my search for answers. The pain and the grief was raw and real and every time I was faced with the decision to trust again…to have HOPE…to be willing. Did I want to put myself throught this again? I can write about this for a very long time but I won’t . I will try and shorten things up a little.
I just turned 47 and at this point I have 7 wonderful children on earth and 11 who have gone straight home to Jesus. My last miscariage was this summer and ended with extreme blood loss ,an ambulance ride ,and an operation something like a D&C. We have since decided that the calling we felt several years ago when we did our adoption training is a priority for us and that we need to pursue it. I feel very blessed that in my mid 30’s I was re-married and able to have a second chance at becoming a Momma to 6 more children ( and way into my 40’s for that matter!!) So here we are once again trusting God and having HOPE that we may continue to expand our family through adoption. Some may say we are to old but not true!! Had I not miscarried my baby would be due in April and I have heard many stories of Families receiving their blessings even later into life than our present ages. Will you please pray for us as we once again head down a journey of unknowns?
Photo by JeepersMedia on Foter.com / CC BY